Outline for the Sketch:
- Introduction:
- The setting: An elite football seminar, taking place at a fancy conference hall. The topic of discussion: “How to Become a Winner in College Football.”
- The room is filled with SEC coaches and players, notably the likes of Nick Saban, Kirby Smart, and various others. They look slightly skeptical but curious.
- Enter Ohio State representatives: Ryan Day, some star players, and alumni like Urban Meyer. They have their own special session planned.
- Opening Remarks:
- Ryan Day begins with a charismatic yet cheeky presentation about Ohio State’s legacy of dominance and consistent performance.
- He jokes that while SEC teams are good at winning championships, they might need some help on how to win consistently and look classy doing it.
- The Keynote – “The Ohio State Way”:
- Day describes Ohio State’s relentless pursuit of excellence through discipline, preparation, and a “no excuses” mentality.
- The SEC coaches scoff at first, but Day starts with some history and explains how Ohio State never loses to inferior teams (with tongue-in-cheek comments about “the occasional upset” but how they quickly recover).
- A PowerPoint presentation hilariously shows Ohio State’s “How to win without falling off the map” guide.
- Mock Demonstration – SEC Players Try to Be Ohio State:
- Some SEC players are called up for a demonstration of how to do things the Ohio State way. They must practice drills while listening to the iconic “OH-IO” chant.
- A comedic series of moments ensues where SEC players try to adjust to Ohio State’s overly precise, almost robotic approach, with some hilarious mishaps (i.e., over-rehearsed handshakes, team meetings, etc.).
- At one point, Nick Saban, showing his old-school style, tries to show off by doing push-ups, but is hilariously outdone by a Buckeye trainer who’s casually doing squats while sipping protein shakes.
- Urban Meyer’s Legacy – What SEC Teams Are Missing:
- Urban Meyer takes the stage and addresses how Ohio State’s program is built on winning, managing talent, and avoiding distractions (cue a funny bit about how the SEC’s obsession with party culture and media attention never helped them).
- He emphasizes the value of “mental toughness” while poking fun at SEC players who might be a bit too distracted by the “hype” that surrounds them.
- Quick skit about SEC coaches getting too caught up in press conferences, while Meyer steers the conversation back to “business.”
- The Ohio State Challenge:
- The SEC coaches are invited to take part in a grueling series of “Ohio State” style drills: From tackling to receiving to understanding the true meaning of “class” in college football.
- Coaches who have dominated SEC football for years, like Nick Saban and Kirby Smart, face off in a 2-minute drill competition. It turns into pure chaos as they struggle to meet Ohio State’s perfectionist standards, leading to hilarious moments (e.g., Saban trying to fix a player’s form for 10 minutes instead of just letting him run).
- The “Real” Winning Secret – Fans and Tradition:
- Ohio State talks about the importance of tradition, the band, the marching scarlet and gray, and the fans who never stop believing. Meanwhile, SEC teams, although passionate, start to feel a little overwhelmed by the idea that they might not have as rich a tradition.
- The Buckeyes sing “Carmen Ohio” while SEC players and coaches awkwardly stand by, unsure of how to join in.
- Closing Remarks – The “Tough Love” Approach:
- Day finishes by acknowledging that winning isn’t just about trophies — it’s about enduring the ups and downs, and finding class in victory and defeat.
- SEC coaches are still a bit skeptical but try to throw in a few friendly jabs. A playful exchange ensues where the Buckeyes end up with the last laugh, showing their incredible poise and humility as the SEC teams try to play catch-up.
Sketch: “Ohio State Football Teaches the SEC: How to Become a Winner”
Scene opens in a fancy conference hall at a football coaching seminar. Banners hang proudly with “How to Become a Winner in College Football.” Coaches from the SEC (Nick Saban, Kirby Smart, etc.) are seated at the front, chatting amongst themselves. Ohio State head coach Ryan Day walks to the front, smiling confidently, with a few star players in tow.
Ryan Day:
(Smiling brightly)
“Good afternoon, gentlemen. Now, I know you all have your ways of doing things down in the SEC, and don’t get me wrong, you’ve got some great football programs. But if you’re here today, you’re about to learn how to take it to the next level. How to be the classiest, most consistent winners in the history of college football. You’re about to learn… The Ohio State Way.”
The SEC coaches exchange looks. Nick Saban, ever the skeptic, raises an eyebrow.
Nick Saban:
“Are you telling me that Ohio State has the secret formula to fix the SEC? I’m not buying it.”
Ryan Day:
(Laughing)
“Well, Nick, I’ll tell you what, you might be winning a lot, but if you haven’t won the Big Ten in… well, ever… then you might be missing out on something. We’ve got consistency, we’ve got style, and we’ve got a winning tradition that’s been churning out NFL talent since forever.”
Ryan Day clicks a button on a PowerPoint presentation. A slide pops up showing a smiling Jim Tressel holding the national championship trophy with the words “Consistency Over Chaos.”
Ryan Day:
“See, here’s the deal. Ohio State doesn’t just win. We win without drama. We win with precision. We win because our culture values the process more than the results.”
(Nick Saban interrupts)
“Sounds like you’re just telling us to run our programs like robots.”
Ryan Day:
“Oh, no. We are machines… but machines with heart. The Ohio State heart.”
The SEC coaches laugh a little. Ryan Day starts walking across the stage as Urban Meyer enters with a confident air.
Urban Meyer:
“Ah yes, the heart of Ohio State. Gentlemen, when I was coaching, we didn’t just have talent, we built winning habits. The same habits you can’t teach overnight. It’s called mental toughness.”
(Kirby Smart, who’s been eyeing a bottle of Gatorade, interrupts.)
“Yeah, yeah, mental toughness. But do you teach your players how to recover after a loss?”
Urban Meyer:
“We don’t really lose… much.”
The SEC coaches exchange uncomfortable glances. Urban Meyer smiles, clearly relishing the discomfort.
Urban Meyer:
“Here’s the secret. You can have all the talent in the world. But if your players aren’t disciplined and focused 24/7, you won’t win consistently. That’s how Ohio State stays on top. We don’t let distractions get in the way. And speaking of distractions…”
Urban Meyer clicks the remote, and a slide pops up showing a picture of an SEC party scene with players caught dancing and celebrating on social media.
Urban Meyer:
“Maybe it’s time to limit the… celebrations? Keep it between the lines.”
Laughter ripples through the room. Nick Saban looks like he’s about to speak up but is quickly interrupted by Ryan Day.
Ryan Day:
“Now, let’s put this into practice. We’re going to run you through the Ohio State drills. SEC players, step up.”
The SEC players reluctantly shuffle to the front, unsure of what’s about to happen. Ryan Day starts calling out random drills.
Ryan Day:
“Alright, guys. You’ve got 15 seconds to form a perfect O-H-I-O chant while doing high knees. Ready? GO!”
The SEC players fumble, unsure of the chant. Their high knees are more like awkward skips.
Ryan Day:
“No, no, no. It’s about precision. O-H… I-O. Come on, fellas, let’s get it together!”
The SEC coaches try to help, but it just turns into a chaotic mess, leading to a huge laugh from the Ohio State team. Nick Saban, trying to keep his cool, attempts to show off his push-up skills but is swiftly outdone by an Ohio State trainer who’s casually doing squats while sipping a protein shake.
Ryan Day:
“See, it’s about stamina, mental fortitude, and… hydration, of course.”
Urban Meyer steps forward.
Urban Meyer:
“Let’s face it, boys, we’ve built this program on the principles of discipline and teamwork. You can’t just show up and expect to dominate. You have to live, breathe, and eat Ohio State.”
He proceeds to start singing “Carmen Ohio” while the SEC coaches and players look lost.
Urban Meyer:
“Sing it with me, folks! O-H-I-O!”
The SEC players awkwardly try to join in, but it’s clear they’re not ready for the full Ohio State experience.
Ryan Day:
“Well, it’s been fun showing you what it takes to truly build a legacy, gentlemen. Maybe one day you’ll get there. But for now, just remember this… It’s not just about winning games. It’s about winning with class.”
The SEC coaches nod sheepishly as the Ohio State crew walks off stage, leaving behind an uncomfortable, yet awe-struck, group of SEC coaches.
Ryan Day:
(Shouting as they leave)
“GO BUCKS! OH-IO!”
The sketch ends with the SEC coaches standing in stunned silence.
