I Heard A Rumour

Keeping tabs on West Ham transfer rumours seemed like a fun idea at the outset. It would be an amusing distraction during the long summer days and nights as the Hammers sought to rebuild their squad out of the shambles left behind by the Scottish manager.

But the early enthusiasm is rapidly becoming as tiresome as a general election campaign. I had bargained on the flow of rumours settling down after an initial flurry, but the speculation shows no sign of slowing. It’s not, though, the number of rumours themselves that cause the distress. It’s having to wade through three-paragraphs of discharge on the background to Julen Lopetegui’s appointment before getting to the point of the story. Is there an Artificial Irrelevance engine that churns out this stuff?

Following another record week of gossip, we have now reached 86 potential targets – and there are sure to be some I have missed altogether. Still, I’ve started so I’ll finish – in the hope that in the real-world Tim Steidten is quietly masterminding recruitment behind the scenes.

There are two deviations in this week’s rumours. The first is that wonderkids have been replaced in the headlines by starlets, although it is not obvious what the differences are. Perhaps a starlet is a little older or a little bit less exciting than a wonderkid. The second is the slightly more worrying trend of the Hammers being linked to assorted detritus deemed surplus to requirements at other Premier League clubs. Dominic Calvert-Lewis, Callum Wilson and a clutch of Arsenal academy rejects, for example. The type of players who would have been on the previous manager’s shopping list. Forget your new-fangled data driven analysis, these guys might be too old, injury prone, or not much good, but hey, they do have Premier League experience.